Chapter 13: The Epilogue

2004

2004 has been one of the best years of my life. It had to be. I’m married with three great kids, don’t have to work and have enough money to pay the bills. Only I could have messed it up and luckily, I didn’t. It’s been brilliant. The only question now is how do I keep it up when the novelty is gone? (And how do I stop putting myself under undue pressure like that??)

I did loads of sports and challenges. The term PB (personal best) has entered my life for the first time and after only 41 years!

My year of PB’s

Cycling

Fastest
Cat 3 - 50 mile race at Chertsey. I came 11th out of 48
Cat 4 – 22 mile race at Hillingdon. I came 4th out of 30
Gym bike – 10 miles 24min 49 sec
Richmond Park – 7 miles 21.3mph ave

Furthest
End-To-End 1002 miles 9 days, 23 hrs, 40 mins.
London – Dungeness – London 190 Miles in one day,

Running
5k 20.29 treadmill, Virgin Active
10k 41.54 treadmill, Virgin Active
Half Marathon 1.40.12 treadmill, Virgin Active
Marathon 4.04.58 New York Marathon

Other
Three Peaks Challenge 21 hrs, 21 mins
Skiing ` 3 Black runs in Chamonix
Swimming 2 lengths Virgin Active 55 seconds
Football (St. Paul’s) 6 goals in 8 games 04/05

Its been great to have the thread of staying fit run throughout the year in-order to complete these challenges. It also allowed me to justify to myself what I was going to do for the year. I didn’t feel I actually had to achieve anything other than this (being hard on myself as usual) so I had the mental freedom to really enjoy myself with the kids and Helen.

I did take pretty much the whole six weeks of the summer holiday off from any creative work to spend the time with the kids enjoying London, Devon and Cornwall. It was great.

Other than this the other (minor!) highlights of the year were a month long trip to Africa where I found myself, a vegetarian, eating a T-bone in a gaming reserve in South Africa and watching West ham on video screens in a Bullawayo night club. Also going on a cycle camp in Mallorca was a great place to make mates for the long days in the saddle I spent through the rest of the year. At home my daily visit to one of the local five great cafes to read the broadsheet supplements and share an espresso and muffin with Rose has been a daily highlight.

I also have managed to finally sort out a good diet. This year I have discovered pulses, blueberries, GI Indexes, the bread making machine, 5 portions of fruit a day, gluecosamine and actually now look at that small box of data on the side of a box before I eat its contents.

Oh, and I nearly ended up on a reality TV show, that wasn’t a highlight but it was certainly an experience.


At Home

My perfect day is actually when I’m away from home, doing a challenge or building up to one. At home my life is built around coming up with new creative ideas I can concentrate on when the novelty of trying to stay too fit wears off, which itself fits around my life with Helen and the kids.

This ends up being slightly frustrating though, as it is hard to gauge when creativity is going to strike and I’m going to feel like sitting down for a few hours pummelling out ideas on this laptop. As Alain De Botton says you can sit in front of a computer at home for three hours and nothing, then achieve more between the bread and toilet rolls in Tesco’s than you have for a week…so its frustrating.

At home, I want to be out and about during day and be creative at the kitchen table at night. I feel like I don’t waste time when I’m away and I hate wasting time. Interestingly (for me!) I can’t shake off the Monday–to-Friday work ethic either. For 40 hours a week my brain is telling me I should be doing something and only allows itself to truly relax at weekends.

I manage on most days to feel like I’ve achieved something, mainly through doing some training, which is always for a purpose. But when I’m doing a challenge then I feel complete for the day, I’ve worked hard for (in my mind) a goal that I want to achieve.

I am though without a doubt much calmer and more relaxed.

As Alain De Bottom again says (perhaps I’d better read his ‘Status Anxiety’ book, although it didn’t get great reviews at the time) “A messy house is a sign of a robust inner state, it requires courage and strength of mind. The houses of the tidy, these are the homes of the psychologically brittle”.

I’m proud to say our home, complete with 3 kids, can be a right mess. I couldn’t handle this at all when I worked 9-5. What’s that say about my state of mind after leaving the rat race behind for a while? I now find I can live inside my own head and not worry about the mess around me but when I was working, and stressed, I needed everything neat and tidy, obviously not happy with myself, so trying to find happiness in my surroundings instead.

What does upset the applecart is having an argument with Helen. Our differences are summed up each night on the sofa when we finally sit down to relax – I want the lights brighter and the TV quieter. She wants the lights dimmer and the TV louder!

I can’t work after this at all. Why is it many artists produce their best work when under emotional distress? I can’t produce a thing.

I am still slightly obsessed with reading papers and staying up to date to get that perfect new idea, which I know is impossible as nothing stops long enough to be perfect – so can only be perfect for that second. I always want to do the latest thing. I cant even watch videos, as they are old. There is not enough new information on the web. I even got annoyed at newsnow.com – which collates my West Ham news every five minutes – because there was no new news for a few days. It’s why I like live sport; it brings some unpredictability to life.

I’ve still managed to keep a good social life without the office community to feed it. It has been great to be able to be myself again and not have to put on the airs and graces of being boss. As I cycled to the cinema on my own though the other day I realised I don’t have a community of my own but fit into other peoples; workers, travellers, sports people etc. Luckily I now found it much easier to talk to anyone, something I can still struggle with…. I think it’s my own mood swings that get in the way.

Do you know there’s a 1000 minutes in every waking day (if you sleep for 7hrs, 40mins!), but that it’s not enough.

I have considered splitting my day into three-hour chunks where I focus on just one thing, to get the most out of it. Even though it’s impossible to predict or manage when I’m going to be productive, I was considering trying something like this….

9am – 12 Training
12.30 – 3.30 Sleep
3.30pm – 5.30 work – talking to people
5.30pm – 8.30 With Kids
8.30pm – 11.30 Wife / social
11.30pm – 2.30am creative work


So going forward into 2005 and beyond….

I cherish memories that will stay with me forever. I like to invest in memories and not products. I buy only things I need, and like to do what I want.

I am still trying to truly relax and enjoy my life and not feel like I’m constantly on a moving train. I want to be myself and not a rat race face.

The only often heard regret I hear is that people wish they had spent more time with their kids while they lived at home. I am in a position to never have that regret and I intend to make sure I don’t.

I want to die happy with myself. if I was to get knocked off my bike tomorrow I think I would be happy – happy with myself, that I know and spend enough time with my family, that my family love me, and that I can relax and have loved my life.

I can say that at 41 but lets hope I feel the same when the time comes and it isn’t for at least another 41 years.

Since giving up work for a while I have less need to rush off abroad the moment the kids break up and actually feel happier spending time in and around home and London

I have honed down the new ideas I would like to pursue in 2005 to about nine! I have worked out why I have trouble committing to working on any one single idea though. It’s because it means sacrificing all my other ideas and the process I love most, of soaking up contemporary culture and creating those ideas. For me it would possibly be harder than giving up drinking or smoking.

I am considering taking a year off from trying everything and concentrate on just one or two things before another year has gone past. (Richard Curtis is trying this and forsaking everything else to concentrate on ‘Make Poverty History’ for 2005)

These days you can’t compete in any one thing; business, art, sport etc if you want to do more than one as you are competing with geeks who specialise completely in one thing. Demos (the Government research agency) recently identified this immerging group of people that do something they enjoy to a professional level.

So this year I’m going to try and be the exception to the rule (as bloody normal!). I’m going to concentrate on four things that I love doing. I am in a fortunate position so I must take this opportunity to do what I really really want to do - to do things I believe in.

So in 2005 I am going to continue to spend as much time as I want with my family. I am launching a not-for-profit enterprise that will help reduce the negative effects of marketing to children (bullying, debt, low self esteem etc). I am going to continue doing some challenges. I am going to try and put on an art exhibition (only done one since I left art college 25 years ago!) and I am going to continue writing.

Here’s to 2004 – a great year and here’s to an even better one in 2005.